I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm too high and old for this...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
