I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
