goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
