it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Every concussion has its silver lining
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Randomize
