i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize