I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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