So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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