a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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