i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
