Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
