Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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