I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
