why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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