My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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