Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You were trust falling into bushes
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
