john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
