literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
