literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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