whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
