fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.