yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
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Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
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I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations