Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
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I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.