I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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