I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
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She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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