also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
