so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
