I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
