drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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