I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
