She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
