Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
