We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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