so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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