First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
