I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
