Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
