Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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