did you get engaged???
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
