The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
sex in a hospital.. check
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
