life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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