Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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