you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
