We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
