I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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