You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
