walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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