Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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