Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
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Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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