and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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