well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
