I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
