I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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