He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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