I CAN MOONWALK!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
