Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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