Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
